Balance

Oh blog readers... it has been too long.... it's funny, I just checked the date of my last post and it was only 8 days ago that I last posted.... I guess that is a while, but I was thinking that it had been at least two weeks.... goes to show how busy I am. Still, it has been 2 mondays since Grandma Fay has had a blog to read and what is a blog if you can't deliver? Right? :)

I know you guys are equally busy, and understanding, but I wish I could pump these things out like we were this time last year. Busy is good though... busy means: I have a job, I am in school, I have a life, and with out this busy life I wouldn't have things to write about. Right?

So, I have a wopper for you. This week has been quite the week. I have cried twice since sunday and well, it's only tuesday. I have a history of crying about the 3rd week into a nanny job... and while I thought that I had put an end to that pattern with this job, that was proven false sunday when I grew teary eyed because of stress, and tonight I cried because I had to wash a pot.... then there was no stopping me. I sobbed and whined like a two year old (I might as well have thrown my food at Wes' face like a two year old would do)... it was quite the tantrum. Maybe I'm over exaggerating... ask Wes... but this is how I felt. I have been here before and generally I only do this when I am a) tired, b) hungry, or c) both. Tonight, I was "c." After my tantrum I have to come to a place where I can push past my embarrassment and admit that I was wrong. Anyway, my point here is that I have been stressed this week. And obviously, I don't respond well to stress. For the past three weeks (before this one) I was going strong. I was worried about being overwhelmed with this job mixed with school but I just kept telling myself "I can do this." "I will do this." And before I got the job, I wanted it so badly (because I cared about the family that much) that I figured I would drag myself through the stress of it all just to make it work, just to be a part of this family. So, this is the part where I have to drag myself through it. I know that I am having a moment of weakness and that I will get on top of things and feel better, I always do... But still, it's been hard. Not even hard in the way of like "I have so much on my to-do list how will I get it all done?" The stress I am feeling is a pulling of goals, the pressure I place on myself to please people- to make everyone happy... I forget about myself sometimes. Over the years I really have improved on this. I have learned to use the word "no." I have learned how to communicate with people so much better and I think that moving to Portland helped me with that as I was forced to meet new people and go "there." Anyway, I have improved but unfortunately, I still struggle. And what kills me is that I can't even recognize it sometimes. Wes has to point it out to me and be like "Katie, you are doing it again, you cannot over commit yourself!!!" Back to the point... my point isn't just that my stress comes from trying to please people. It also comes from my desire to serve this family. I so genuinely care for the family that I am now working with that I want to be their everything. I want to save them from the stress they were going through, I want to make lesson plans for there 2.5 yr. old, and research every single growth spurt little 3 mo. old baby is experiencing but... I can't.... because work cannot be my first priority... School is... I love school and love my art classes and every class is bringing me closer to my dream job but the desire to have a dream job today is hard to avoid. My goal now is to work on balance. It's a good thing that I actually care that much about my job, and it's a good thing that I have school right now but I am learning how to manage the two of them combined and still learning how to say "no" sometimes...

So thanks for listening... it feels so good to write it all out and clear my head... For a more fun little something... check out this next blog about my projects from 3D design.